Wedding Pants

I married my husband, Pants four years ago. It seems like just yesterday when I was traipsing down the isle full of anticipation, excitement and joy.. captivated by all eleven attendees' expressions of love, awe and hope that I chose wisely this time around.


And I am proud to report: So far so good.

As I ponder our last four years together, I am reminded of that memorable rainy day in Sonoma when Pants and I tied the knot. It was important for me to have a non-conventional easy-bake wedding for a couple of reasons. One, I did not want to perpetuate the Roast-Brown's-bad-choices-on-her-wedding-day theme, which could have gone that way had we opened the guest list up to the riffraff. (That's not to say that my choice in Pants was a bad one, on the contrary. But it certainly could be argued that his choice in me was perhaps a tad impulsive.) And second, I am more of the salvation army variety. The less we spent on our wedding, the more we spent on my dual disc brake, full suspension Trek mountain bike. So, how, you ask did we (I) make such challenging wedding decisions? Observation, of course. So, for those who haven't taken the plunge yet (or can't - overturn Prop 8!), allow me to offer some unsolicited advice if you are contemplating the jump off that cliff.


1. Money spent on a wedding is money not spent on a honeymoon (or your child's college education, or ovulation kits when you are trying to make your child - yes, they are that expensive, or a spa day away from your spouse which you will definitely need once you "land him").




2. Have only your best friends and family there. Everyone else is chip dip that has been sitting out in the sun on the buffet table way too long. It certainly adds to the ensemble, but ends up giving you a big stomach ache later. This is regret. Learn to recognize it and analogize accordingly.




3. Don’t buy an expensive dress. You wear it once and someone will inevitably spill something on it. This happened to a friend of mine. Her dress was pretty pricy and someone spilled red wine on it, Jackson Pollack style..She pulled it off, though. And I have to admit, there’s no price I wouldn’t pay to look as hot as she did that day. For the record, J Crew has some nice dresses. I bought mine a size larger and then had a tailor take it in right before the wedding. I ate a lot, I eat a lot when I get nervous and was slightly on edge by this lifelong commitment I was about to make. So, as it turned out, the tailor didn’t really have to take it in at all as a matter of fact. And even though it appeared as though I were smuggling a punch bowl under my gown, I felt like royalty for the low low price of $278 (included shipping and handling).


4. Give your husband a gift. S/He has likely spent a small fortune on your ring which serves only two purposes in life 1. to signal to other potential paramours that your fruit has already been picked, and 2. to protect against the plague. You don't believe me? Look it up. In terms of a gift, I recommend a flat screen or a night in Vegas.. something that says I love and trust you.


6. Write your own vows. Say what you mean – Tell her/him in front of everyone that you are willing to put up with his irratic driving if it means s/he puts up with your bathing challenges.



Which reminds me, don’t do any beauty-stuff that you haven’t done anything before on a regular basis. Perfect example – I went in for microderm abrasion right before my wedding. I don’t know if you know what this is, but it feels like someone is sandpapering your face. And it looks like it too. While my face turned a crimson red (what do I have to be embarrassed about?) my wrinkles were still there, so were the blackheads around my nose. The only difference? Red face in a wedding dress. Use your ever reliable oil of olay. It’s worked for many a decade, and it will work just as well on your wedding day.


7. And lastly, don’t listen to your family under any circumstances. You can do this by implementing a number of useful stress relievers. Example: If you are not fully ready 45 minutes before the ceremony and your mother screeches at you to step it in to high gear, grab your yoga mat, your Morf squeeze ball, or mojito and smile and say, “no worries, mom, I am on my way”. And a word of caution: if your stress relief happens to be alcohol, know your limits. Just a nip, that's all you need, anything else will be disasterous – how can we forget Amanda during her wedding in Sixteen Candles?