Thursday, February 4, 2010

An Open Letter To My Brother

Dear Turd -

I find it difficult to broach this particularly sensitive subject with you, so I am going to refrain from beating around the bush and get to the point: I have boundaries and I would ask that you recognize them and subsequently respect them.

I can see you shaking your confused little head as you read this so I will offer a few points of clarification: First off, now I know that my past behaviors may not reflect the fact that I have boundaries, but believe me, they exist. And secondly, for the love of… I have a business to run. I am well respected within my political community. People rely on my moral compass to guide them to good decision making.

What I am trying to express is this: if one of my most respected clients were to happen upon my newly created blog and see the shenanigans that you have contributed to this respectable forum, who knows what could become of my well oiled reputation that I have worked so hard to build in what can only be described as a dog eat female dog world.

Allow me to remind you of what the great Warren Buffet once said, (or Buddhist Philosopher Daisaku Ikeda, I don’t know which), “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently.”

Bottom line: I certainly don’t need any help from you.

This is not to say that we haven’t tested our boundaries in the past. I recall several run-ins with the law (you) and several verbal vomiting episodes at family gatherings (me). I also can’t help but feel a little nostalgic about our fond childhood memories: the gentle urging of our dear mother to blanket Ms. Fox’s house (our second grade teacher) with 13 rolls of two-ply in the dark of night, or the artful ways in which we utilized fake snappy snot in crowded farmers’ markets – another parental influence. And oh, we mustn't forget the many uses of peanut butter. But let me remind of you one thing: I am an adult now. Those days are over.

And when we had our little chat – I would go so far as to call it half way delightful – about starting my blog, and you willingly offered your assistance with the clip art, I didn’t in my wildest dreams believe that you could come up with something like that.

You have one more chance to redeem yourself. And you better make it good. After that, I am cut and pasting sunsets and beaches off the world wide web.

Now get to it.

- The more mature sibling.

Note to the reader: If you are easily offended (or are hardly ever offended unless something is just too over the top), do not click on the following link:

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